The Velvet Blog

Thirty years ago, my buddy Ponch would've been a star.
He could write great melodies, and he could sing like a bird. But his true gift was singing like a human, with a voice that was rich and endless in range. Lyrics sprung from his mouth like tiny babies, precious and pure. He could charm you with an old standard, and then break your heart with a wistful ballad.
But Ponch couldn't get a record deal no matter how much he deserved one. You see, sex sells at a premium these days, and record companies are scouting beauty way before talent. You need the good hair, the deep stare, the smile that can disarm and distract.
And unfortunately for Ponch Andrews, he looked a bit like a chimpanzee.
Time and time again, record label execs would call Ponch up, begging him to write a hit song for one of their new artists. But each artist was less deserving then the next: vapid beauties with little to no musical ability. One ridiculous manager tried to engage Ponch's services after signing a blonde wig to a development deal.
But Ponch always remained steadfast in his refusal. "Only I will sing these songs," he'd say, staring off into the distance while his other eye focused sadly on me.
That's why I was shocked to learn last month that Ponch had been signed to a multi-record deal by one of the big three labels. I tried getting in touch with him to find out what was going on, but I just couldn't get a hold of the ugly freak. He had all but disappeared.
On Thursday, there was a strange message on my machine from Ponch. I could barely make it out, but he was inviting me to a concert that the record label was having in his honor. I was intrigued, and headed out immediately to the venue.
A few nights later, the concert began. A representative from the label came out first to introduce Ponch: "Ladies and Gentlemen…On behalf of the record company, I am thrilled to announce the signing of singer/songwriter Ponch Andrews. We have always known of Ponch's strengths as a writer and a vocalist, and of late, we have invested a lot of energy and, well…money… into Ponch's development as an artist. Please welcome him to the stage - "
If they hadn't have introduced him, I would have never known it was Ponch. Gone were the dry, patchy comb-over and the one big brow. Gone were the overbite and the low hanging jowls. Ponch was the picture of 'beauty'. Full lips, piercing brown eyes…a face pulled back tightly and framed by a fab hairdo that cascaded confidently down to his shoulders.
He was so beautiful that I barely noticed his singing. It had changed. He could barely navigate the melody, as his tight new face skin only allowed him a one or two-note range. There was no room for dynamics in the tunes, for his lips were now wonderfully weighty and obstructing the sound. Where there was once great emotion in Ponch's songs, his frozen new face held the mood steady from beginning to end.
The concert was fantastic.
I end this week's Blog with another interesting musical fact:

- It's near impossible to lip-synch at Karaoke without getting found out -


Anonymous said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha....

Anonymous said...

you are one funny mother fucker. that is for sure.

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